英語幽默笑話

英語幽默笑話（精選36篇）

　　在繁忙的學習工作中，適時讀一些幽默笑話，放松自己，勞逸結合十分重要。下面是小編為你整理的幾則英語幽默精彩段子，讓你笑到停不下來!

　　英語幽默笑話 1

　　An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I dont know whats the matter with me.Ive been limping for the last half hour.”

　　英語幽默笑話 2

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Monsignor." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Excellency."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Eminence.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, Oh, my God!"

　　英語幽默笑話 3

　　A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

　　英語幽默笑話 4

　　Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

　　Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

　　英語幽默笑話 5

　　A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

　　Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

　　The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

　　英語幽默笑話 6

　　When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators.

　　英語幽默笑話 7

　　Mary was so disgusted at her husbands cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Dont worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile.

　　英語幽默笑話 8

　　The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin, he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

　　英語幽默笑話 9

　　He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

　　英語幽默笑話 10

　　Are you using your mower this afternoon?

　　Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon?

　　Mr. Smith.Yes.

　　Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you wont be needing it ?

　　英語幽默笑話 11

　　A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "lve lost my moml" The cop said,"Whats she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”

　　英語幽默笑話 12

　　A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid.

　　英語幽默笑話 13

　　how do i get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出來

　　distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. when the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "im meeting my wife right away. how do i get the gum out from my ears?"

　　當空中小姐給乘客們發口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢?”

　　英語幽默笑話 14

　　Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.

　　Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My fathers the one who dug the hole for it."

　　Bill wasnt impressed, "Well, thats nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My fathers the one who killed it!"

　　維爾和比爾在爭吵，誰的爸爸是更強壯的一個。維爾說：“你知道太平洋嗎?那個坑是我爸爸挖的。”

　　比爾不屑地說：“那沒什么。你知道死海嗎? 那是我爸爸打死的`。”

　　英語幽默笑話 15

　　What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”

　　一個非常高貴的老夫人有幾句話要對她的.孫女說。“我親愛的，”老夫人說：“我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞。一個是‘討厭的’，另一個是‘極好的’。你能答應我嗎？” “噢，當然，奶奶。”女孩說：“是哪兩個詞？”

　　英語幽默笑話 16

　　To Buy a Video 買錄像機

　　Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.

　　I’m afraid we can’t afford one, sighed his mother.

　　But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.

　　How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.

　　Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!

　　艾莫斯問媽媽他們是否能買一臺錄像機。

　　恐怕我們還買不起，媽媽嘆息著說。

　　可第二天當艾莫斯回來時，他搖搖晃晃地搬著一臺全新的錄像機。

　　你究竟是哪兒來的錢買這東西?媽媽大吃一驚，喘著氣說。

　　媽媽，這簡單， 艾曼斯回答。我把電視機給賣了!

　　英語幽默笑話 17

　　A few months after Tom and I were married一during World War II, he was shipped off to Pearl Harbor. In one of his first letters，he wrote，"Im going to have a Navy battle-ship tattooed on my chest.”

　　Instead of pleading, I answered simply,“Send me a pitcture of your tattoo，and Ill have a duplicate put on my chest. "

　　We have been married for 51 years. Neither of us has a tattoo.

　　英語幽默笑話 18

　　we attended the wedding of an acquaintances son. because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. we look forward to using it soon.

　　我們參加了一個熟人的.兒子的婚禮。由于我們都不認識那個年輕人和他的新娘，所以我們決定送給他們一個實用的全家禮----一個滅火器。很明顯，這對新人大批量制作了他們的感謝信，因為我

　　英語幽默笑話 19

　　goldfish 金魚

　　stan: i won 92 goldfish.

　　斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。

　　fred: where are you going to keep them?

　　弗雷德：你想在哪兒養它們?

　　stan: in the bathroom.

　　斯丹：浴室。

　　fred: but what will you do when you want to take a bath?

　　弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎么辦?

　　stan: blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

　　斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛!

　　看了“英語笑話短文帶翻譯”的人還看了：

　　1.英語笑話短文帶翻譯

　　2.英語笑話帶翻譯欣賞

　　3.英語笑話帶翻譯欣賞

　　4.短篇英語小笑話帶翻譯欣賞

　　5.英語小笑話帶翻譯簡短

　　6.關于英文笑話小短文

　　7.英語笑話小短文加翻譯欣賞

　　英語幽默笑話 20

　　A friend was trying to encourage his elderly mother to enjoy the money, she had accumulated through frugal living. "Mother," he said, "you have enough money to last you until youre a hundred."

　　"And then whatll I do?" she replied.

　　一位朋友試圖勸他的.老媽媽要享用錢，她通過節儉的生活攢下了錢。“媽媽，”他說，“你有足夠的錢能讓你用到一百歲。”

　　“到了一百歲又該怎么辦?”她回答。

　　英語幽默笑話 21

　　Two birls

　　Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

　　Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

　　Teacher: Please tell us.

　　Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

　　兩只鳥

　　老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

　　學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

　　老師：請說說看。

　　學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

　　英語幽默笑話 22

　　Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？” Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．”

　　Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？” Father：“A convert，my son．”

　　有希望的青年人：“父親，什么叫政治叛徒？” 父親（一位老資格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是離開我們黨而加入到另一個黨的'人。” 有希望的青年人：“那么，離開他的黨而加入到我們黨的人又叫什么呢？” 父親：“叫改變信仰者。我的兒子。”

　　英語幽默笑話 23

　　Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth.

　　Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

　　Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

　　昂貴的代價

　　牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的.兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

　　母親：二十五美元!可是我知道您拔一顆牙只要五美元呀?

　　牙科醫生：是的。但是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了

　　英語幽默笑話 24

　　Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "Thats the first time Ive ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

　　英語幽默笑話 25

　　其實學英語也能鬧出很多笑話，那些笑話想起來連肚皮要笑破了！不過，你可千萬不要在吃飯的時候讀，否則你的'書就被噴得滿頁都是飯。

　　有一次，老師要求我們說出一些常見的動物。比如：貓呀、狗呀。突然，我想到了老鼠（mouse），舉手站起來就說“mouth”，老師一聽，笑了起來。有同學問：“老師您為什么笑啊？”老師說， 我把老鼠說成了嘴巴，我一聽，滿臉通紅。同學們都笑了起來，誰讓它們發音這么接近呢。

　　還有一次，老師讓我們用英文說一句話：我有一些香蕉，媽媽有一個西瓜。有一個同學站起來說：“I have some bananas，my murder has a watermelon。”用中文翻譯是：“我有一些香蕉，我謀殺（媽媽）有一個西瓜。先是班級全體沉默，接著便是一陣哄堂大笑。

　　我們學英語的過程中還有許多有趣的事情，也讓我們對英語產生了濃厚的興趣。

　　英語幽默笑話 26

　　一場特殊的足球比賽

　　Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."

　　"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.

　　"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.

　　麥克上學遲到了。他對布萊克老師說：“對不起，老師，今天早上我遲到了。因為我在夢里觀看了一場球賽。”

　　“為什么它會讓你遲到呢?”老師問道。

　　“因為這兩個隊都沒有能力獲勝，所以就持續的時間長了。”麥克回答說。

　　英語幽默笑話 27

　　Sales

　　There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope.

　　It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence.

　　So this kindly old lady looked upon Deaths door, and said to her papal neighbour, "Father, surely you can do something about this."

　　To which the Pope replied, "Sorry lady, Im in sales, not management."

　　英語幽默笑話 28

　　Put your feet in把腳放進去

　　The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"

　　一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴里起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被老師發現了。“瑪麗!”老師嚴厲地叫她。“什么事，老師?”這女學生問。“把口香糖從嘴里拿出來，把腳放進去。”

　　英語幽默笑話 29

　　"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say Good afternoon, the undergraduates respond Good afternoon. But the graduate students just write it down."

　　一個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說："我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我說下午好的時候，本科生回答下午好，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。"

　　英語幽默笑話 30

　　"So you want another day off,”snorted the teacher to his student，Tom.“I am anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You have been off for your grandfathers funeral four times already.”

　　“這么說，你又要請一天假，”老師怒氣沖沖地對他的學生湯姆說，“我倒想知道你這次找什么借口。你已經請了四次假說去參加你爺爺的葬禮。”

　　Tom replied，"Today my grandma is getting married again.”

　　湯姆回答說:“今天是我奶奶再次舉行婚禮。”

　　英語幽默笑話 31

　　《Two Birds》 兩只鳥

　　Teacher: ”Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?“

　　Student: ”I cannot point out but I know the answer.“

　　Teacher: ”Please tell us.“

　　Student: ”The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.“

　　老師：”這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎?“

　　學生：”我指不出，但我知道答案。“

　　老師：”請說說看。“

　　學生：”燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。“

　　生難詞：swallow n.燕子 sparrow n.麻雀

　　英語幽默笑話 32

　　What are the Two Words?

　　A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?

　　Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?

　　是哪兩個詞？

　　一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的'”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應我嗎？

　　噢，當然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞？

　　英語幽默笑話 33

　　a doctor came into the hospital ward and said to mr. johnson, "i have some good news and some bad news for you."

　　一位醫生走進醫院的.病房，告訴強森先生：“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你。”

　　then mr. johnson said, "please, give me the good news first."

　　強森先生說：“請先告訴我好消息吧!”

　　so the doctor said, "the doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."

　　醫生說：“本院的醫師決定用你的名字，來為一種不治之癥命名。”

　　英語幽默笑話 34

　　我希望您的面包病好了

　　I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand(使命，差事) . When I came back, I found this note from my son: "Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better."

　　我在做面包，需要把面團放在一個暖和點的地方使它發起來。我把面盆放在電熱褥里，后來就出去干別的'活去了。等我回家時，發現兒子留下一張紙條，上面寫著：“親愛的媽媽，我希望您的面包已經病好了。”

　　英語幽默笑話 35

　　I Dont Like an Argument 我不想爭論

　　”Gerald,“asked the teacher,”what is the shape of the earth?“

　　”Its round,“answered Gerald.

　　”How do you know its round?“continued the teacher.

　　”All right,its square then,he replied,I really dont feel like getting into an argument about it!

　　”杰拉爾德，“老師問：”地球是什么形狀?“

　　”是圓形的，“杰拉爾德回答道。

　　”你怎么知道是圓的`?“老師又問。

　　”好吧，那它是方的，“學生回答說：”我可不想與你爭論這件事情。“

　　生難詞：square adj.平方的，方形的

　　英語幽默笑話 36

　　At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones.""To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cause any man to lose his appetite."

　　在一次晚餐聚會上，一位靦腆的年青人一直在冥思苦想對女主人說一些好聽的`話。機會總于來了，女主人轉向他說：“瓊斯先生，您今晚的飯量太小了。”“坐在您身邊，”他殷勤的說道，“任何男人都會失去胃口的。”

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